Changed, connected, contented
On Monday night, all the regulars came in the door with a bounce in their steps and looking for their favorite toys. This is the night of the week they come together, children from homes of neglect or abuse, and have free play time on bikes and scooters and a bouncy house. There is also a craft table and a coloring table available for their use.
But it seems that one 9-year-old boy is having trouble. He hasn’t been coming all that long and he isn’t all that happy. He complains that he feels that all the others don’t like him. He is encouraged to try playing with them again and I keep a close eye out. What I observe is exactly the opposite of what he continues to allege. When he is around the other kids, he sabotages their play by taking the ball essential to their game, insisting on the riding toy they are already on, or other bothersome interactions that make the others not want to be around him.
Then, of course, come the tears. He comes back again with yet another story of how he is being mistreated.
If you teach kids at school, in Sunday School, or you coach or are around kids for any period, you have probably had to deal with behavior that defies explanation and surpasses your training. You may question why they act this way and have trouble on how to instruct them. Some words used to describe the kids in this grouping include defiant, disruptive, controlling, and prone to temper tantrums.
For many children, the truth is simple and sad. They come from places that are full of danger, and they never have felt safe. Many of these kids in this grouping have been abandoned, neglected, abused, or institutionalized.
After visiting with a colleague, I determined it was time to revisit my training in TBRI – Trust-Based Relationship Intervention.
TBRI is a program designed at Texas Christian University by child psychologists Karyn Purvis and David Cross, to battle the huge problem of what trauma and neglect do to the brain of a child, how it affects their behavior, and what we, as caregivers, can do to help.
TBRI is “ designed to inform and equip a child’s parents and everyday caregivers – like teachers, coaches, healthcare workers – to meet the fundamental needs behind behaviors,” its website states.
“Misbehavior always has a purpose and a function,” says Purvis. “Problems that are formed in the context of relationships are healed in the context of relationships.”
In a nutshell, Drs. Purvis and Cross suggest a three-prong strategy to address each situation: 1. Empower – let the child know that he/ she is heard by getting on their level ( kneeling to their level or sitting with them). They need to know their voice ( opinion) is important. 2. Connect – Keep eye contact, hold their two hands, and use words like “we” or “our” when defining the problem or unacceptable behavior.
3. Correct – Stating what is expected is needed for a change to occur.
“Above all,” Purvis said, “safety is number one … not that I know they are safe but that they feel they are safe.”
This program is so rich in wisdom and is a proven success that my 600 words don’t even scratch the surface. If you want more information, check out the TBRI website TBRIgroup.org or google TBRI, Karyn Purvis, or “ Children from trauma” on youtube. com.
Purvis said that the anticipated outcome is that every child with behavioral issues is changed, connected, and content.
That’s what I want for every child.
Donna Bernard is the Child Advocate for Domestic Abuse Resistance Team and works with children who have been exposed to or is a victim of physical, sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse or neglect. She also helps children and teens remain safe in the face of bullying and teen dating violence and online activity. Contact her at 318.513.9373 or donna. bernard65@yahoo.com.
